am having a bad time today. feeling the weight of the world and lonely. i am all alone in this, afraid, wondering, afraid, anxious, panic….then trying to calm myself down, trying to feel the positive.

but what did i ever do in my last life to deserve such pain and suffering? how come? i try to do as much as good as i can.

i am sympathetic. i help friends. i sacrifice for people who mean something to me.  i have reached out and helped FMK time and time again only to be disappointed.

he cheated on me, i accepted him back into my life. he screw me over, telling me RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE that the perfect woman is the woman he cheated on me with. that he liked her personality and she is close to perfect.

so, what is wrong with me? how come i have done everything for him and he never felt like i was good enough?

i should not be asking myself these questions? how come he doesn’t love me no matter what it is that i do. how come whatever i do is bad. how come i am never to be accepted the way i am. how come no matter how much i do, appreciate and care for his well-being, i am still nothing.

bottom line. i treat myself as nothing. that is the reason

one, FMK. constantly trying to seek his approval

two, my mom. her love. her understanding. her acceptance and care. she never really DID love me in the way that i wanted her to. i guess that is where my problem started. wanting her to accept me and not judge me for who i am. or maybe for her to be there for me and just be.

i m who i m. i can’t help that.

and i just realized what a turnaround i am now. completely obsessed with sadness. terrorized, actually.

can’t help feeling like i am unwanted. no friends, no family members. nothing. i am all alone. people say that no man is an island and everyone has a friend or family member waiting to be there for you.

not for me. maybe i am destined to be all alone. fuck my life, man!

no, i am not pretending to be happy. i am trying to keep it together too. keep my shit together. but the connected with FMK is very trying. i keep wanting to make him happy, to seek his approval. to make him see that i am pretty, am useful, an able. capable. i can make money. he should like me….

….that is my problem. i have not let that go yet and that is why it bothers me to have him see me for who i am. i am not the perfect person he wanted.

i am just this stupid person who is more or less less than 100% of a normal human being. i am a disabled person who deserves to be trampled on.

i did not have a proposal, a wedding, wedding pictures, a honeymoon. instead, i was cast aside and then made use of. he never loved me. not for a moment and yet i was willing to let him treat me the way he treated me. why?

i feel that i do not value myself. i am willing to bend myself backwards for him. and this is where i arrived at. valuing myself the way he valued me…which is close to nothing.

my hands, the joints, hurt. i don’t know if i am over with the whole IBS thing. yes, i have IBS and i suspect it to be stress’ fault. or maybe over-thinking. or depression. or whatever.

i printed out some nice pictures with nice words, affirmative words, on them and then pasted them onto the wall in my office.

i wanted to find another place, a new corner outside of my work room, for my zen practice but i can’t. i still feel that i want to meditate here, so, i follow my heart.

there is no ‘should’ or whatever because people say that you should find a place that faces the outdoors, or the sun. find a corner that you don’t usually use, is comfortable and you feel very zen about.

well, when i ask myself this question: where do you want to sit down and meditate, my heart says, ‘I don’t want to go anywhere else. i think the floor behind the piano is good as it is’. so, there we remain.

and yesterday, met with an old school friend who is really into this Japanese buddhism thing. ever since she was a kid, she’s been into this thing and been trying to convert me or something. my mom’s religion lah, this one.

and my mom’s been asking me to chant their mantras, but i resisted like shit when i was young.

then yesterday, i talked to this friend and her mom about life, love, happiness, joy, depression, anxiety, stress…etc, and you know what??? it is a huge turnaround because at the end of the day, what they believe in is almost exactly what i believe in.

the universal light, the search for peace, kindness, love, self-growth, self-inquisition, and human beings. being nice, being caring, being charitable.

sigh…isn’t that what zen buddhism is all about? i won’t be surprised if it turns out that zen buddhism is precisely what they been getting me to believe in. haha…

yeah, so, anyway, today’s been fine.

yes, i am sad. yes, i am unhappy. yes, i wish i have never met him. yes, i wish that i could reverse everything and not have been involved with him.

but no, i don’t hate him.

if i were to not have met him, i would not have had my kids. i would do anything to have met my kids and the price to pay to have had my kids is to meet him and go through this shit.

in the end, if i want my kids, then i would have to have met him, loved him, be emotionally scraped raw. in the end, if given a choice….i would also say yes.

a higher power must have asked me before i was born, ‘do you want these kids?’ i would have answered ‘yes, i do’. the higher power must have asked me, ‘there is a price to pay for this. you have to go through tremendous emotional turmoil if you want them’.

and i would have answered, ‘yes, i will go through it. i want my kids’.

in the end, i chose to go through it and there is no point in me wishing that i have never met him because before i was born into this world, i agreed to go through it. and i have agreed to pull through.

and i will.

when it is the school hols, i worry about the kids being bored out of their minds and me sitting here, trying to get some things done. now that school holiday is over, i am worried about wake up early again.

life is sometimes a plate of fucking shit.

and today is father’s day. i don’t know what FML is thinking and doing. he is selling the old house, and he stopped renting the room that he was staying in earlier. i suspect that he is currently being holed up at the old house…which is empty, by the way. no furniture except for the cupboard and stuff.

how sad is that?

but what the fuck is he thinking? bloody hell. what in the world is he doing? and this morning, i blurted out (which is true but very uncalled for, in a way) that if he kept walking in and out of the house as and when he liked, i would have to change the locks.

and he asked me to go fuck myself in cantonese. well….ok. maybe i will.

see? the situation is like shit now. i don’t know what the fuck he is doing and i can’t be myself when he is here, doing his shit thing, sitting there. i feel like he is judging me and mocking me.

i can’t help it!!

or maybe i can. maybe i can change things, the way i think? hhmmm…maybe the problem is not him. the problem is actually the way i see things and feel when he is around in the house.

i am lonely like shit, if the truth is to be told.

yesterday, called a couple of friends. some of them were busy. some were not responsive. others were just….i don’t know, couldn’t quite care less, i guess. but never mind, this is the way the world is.

i am going to have to deal with it. and deal with it, i will

***

and you wanna know one sad thing???? this is a total killer for me. i was stressed out and had an outburst. and the kids admitted that i dont spend time with them. and sometimes they feel that my life would be better off if they weren’t there. so, they try to be out of the way as much as possible.

it hurts me to even type this shit out.

that is not true!! well, deep down, i am wishing that i had more freedom and can be myself more, but you know what? my life would be nothing without my kids! i mean, what would i be?

but then again, that means to say that i am reliant on them to be alive or feel some semblence of self-worth, doesn’t it? it feels like my r/ship with my kids is kinda screwed because of this shit depression.

depression sucks!

managed to catch up with a friend recently, Jan….she’s like a little weird and all that but at least she doesn’t call me 8 times a day like Sam. Jan is….er…..kinda harsh and blunt but nice. she’s nice and kind but if someone faltered, she would have the harshest words to say.

like we have a friend, Mike, who is going through shit. he is with this bitch-girl who is all about money n stuff and Mike is all about sex, pretty,beauty and showing off his stupid rich car. soooooo lame.

and he thinks it’s so fucking cool. blubberhead. dumb-ass. like it matters to most of us what car he drives. he actually used the car to keep the girl.

and to tell you the truth, his girl is not even pretty. DAMN AH-LIAN!!! you know, the typical cinapek woman who can’t speak english well, thinks with her cunt and is like would do anything (like spread her vagina) for money? yeah, that kind. the only way she knows how to control a man is with the mouth between her legs.

sorry i am so blunt but hey, the truth has to be told.

and if my kids are reading this and i am dead, stop reading this blog THIS INSTANT. like that will happen, right?

anyway, if i am dead, then it matters not.

emotionally, I am still trudging through. I have this book that helps people who are stressed out and do you know how many problems and symptoms of stress I have? almost all of them! except for the eating disorder thing, i have everything, every single one of them from high blood pressure to substance abuse.

amazing, huh?

this book is spot on so, that is my goal for now. to conquer my fears and be the captain of my ship again.

today, the kids got to school fine. but got knackered down a little thinking about the art materials that they have to bring for their test. i am wondering if they had it to finish the test or not.

sigh…all these responsibilities that i never realized was so heavy on a parent before. how come i never had these problems when I was in school. or maybe i just don’t remember them, huh?

know that if you do, at that point in time, you no longer seek to live.

i recognize that i was in that deep pit of hopelessness. totally have no desire to live, have fun and enjoy all that life has to give me. i lost. if it was a battle, i was literally begging the enemy to just kill me off but not take me prisoner. just off me.

that is depression.

i am still not out of that pit of blackness. but i will continue the fight. it’s not over and it matters how i finish this fucking thing off. i will become determined to win this ape shit thing.

see? i still hate life to a certain extent. haha…but no, i am not going to give up.

i am going to learn how to get back up on my feet again and live.

i’ll talk about that later…all in all, it was fantastic fun! am broke now. spent like nearly two grand there.

but after such a fun time, it was depressing to come back. it started from the airport on the way back. it was coming back to be prosecuted. hahah…no, really. it felt a little like coming back to hell after a stint in heaven.

bummer…

i love my home, i do. but i really don’t know about how much i love my work these days. in fact, i hate my work. i hate it, ok, fine, i’ll admit it. it is fucking making me bloody miserable.

but i love to write!! so, maybe this is just a phase, huh?